Rock bottom

I’m going to preface this piece by advising that this is over a year old. Nicholas has come a long way since this evening. I publish for transparency but know that the sun rose much brighter the next day, and every day after. I publish just as a reminder that this is everything I’m not. I publish this to show that sometimes you can overthink things far, far too much. The product of which isn’t grounded in reality at all. This was my rock bottom but I’ve clawed right back.

I’m nearly out. I’m nearly free.


I’m a piece of shit, she doesn’t care

I’m incapable of being loved. I am nothing

I will never be anything. I am lifeless.

My corporeal form fails me at every turn.

I’m a piece of shit. I am worthless.

There is no point to my existence.

I should end it all here and now.
There is no purpose to my life.

I am a joke procuring no laughter.

I am disgusting beast.

I have no place. I am a piece of shit.

Why I was raised I will never know.

I am a product of ill circumstance.

No purpose nor worth.

I am my fathers son.


I am doomed.

I am doom.

Afflicted by a malfunctioning brain.

A brain that was born to hate.

I am the piece of shit it hates.

I tear myself down.

Fuck it and everything.

None of it matters.

And she doesn’t care.

My mind shows horrible images.

Things with my power. My control.

I think I’m normal yet I entertain such violence.

I am truly terrible.

I am not worthy of her.

I am not worth of anything.

Fuck the world.

And fuck everything.

I am piece of shit.

I need to lay in the dirt and die.




To take a step forward.

Do I take a step forward to be asked to step back?

Do I take a step forward when they might’n step up?

Do I take that step forward for I and I alone?

Do I take this step forward to find my true bearing and step to the side?

Do I take the step?

Do I dare to take this step when I stand atop a cliff?

I walk onwards.


Untitled Poem # 3

Hit the alarm

But hide the intruder

Wolf slaughtered lambs

But ne’er a wolf sighted

Wail in the tempest

But claim the seas calm

Shout their name

But shocked at their attention

Recalling the assault

But forgetting the perpetrator

Held at gunpoint

But adamant of freedom

Left hand is securing the shackles

But the right is losing the key

Clawing out your eyes

But proclaiming vision is fine

You tell me your truth

But I hear your fallacy


Untitled Poem # 2

Started something new that day

He placed a seed and watched it grow

Didn’t bury it very deep

But lifeblood did flow

It spurted forth green tendrils

Hands that kept climbing

But stretched too thin

The new life began dying

Discouraged he was not

Another seed he sought

Bury it deeper he would

Another life he thought

It too burst from the earth

With more fervor and purpose

It grew a little taller

Before it too, dropped on the surface

A third seed was placed

Deeper than the others

Maybe it would dig its roots deeper

It would be worth all the bother

Tall and strong, it became

But it was twisted and wild

Spreading like weed, corrupting his garden

He cut it down, aborting his child

He buried one final seed,

Too deep for water or light

He wanted to protect it

The earth he packed tight

It might never grow,

May never blossom or flourish

But he had to take time

His soul he had to nourish


Untitled poem # 2

I crawl amongst your limbs

And make myself a bed

Your breath provides a blanket

That stops the thunder in my head

Your exhaled murmurs

Are like sweetness to my ears

But for my heart they’re sickly

That brings on my tears

The idea of you

Made my blood course

But the reality of you

Made all my decisionsĀ coarse

I tried everything not to lose you

In doing so I did

So I sit here fearful

That I will forever be the kid


Untitled Poem # 1

Fizzle bang pop

No, just no

Please just stop

That’s no good

A bad start

Working rotten wood

Where will this lead

You don’t know

Maybe honey mead

Build a great pyre

Dowse it with fuel

Bring forth the fire

What will burn?
Dinner or lunch?

No, feelings spurned

Purge is the answer

Words make the riddle

Forget the cur

Smoke wafts higher

Fire burns hotter

Thoughts get deeper

Ash is all remains

What it was destroyed

But the jewel stained

Grab a rag

Polish is bright
Give to the Hag

Fizzle bang pop

Back to the start

Find the mop

Better clean up

You’ve made a mess

Time to sup

Lights out now

Time to rest

Dreaming – kill the sow