Thought Essay

Ambition

I used to be at odds with ambition. I was too idealistic and believed ambition to be a gross expression of masculinity. However, now, I think that my past hang ups with ambition and by extension, asserting myself, was just an elaborate defence mechanism of depressive tendencies. If I didn’t need to actively pursue anything, implement initiatives to better myself, under the false guise of self-preservation, then I was rewarded by staying in the incredibly subtle downward spiral. By remaining unchanged my apathy remained stalwart, keeping my mind and body under its Marshall law.

However, I recognise now that my ambition can cut right through all that self-pity. My ambition to write, my ambition for professional success, my ambition for love, my ambition for strong and honest relationships, my ambition for personal health; they are all on a higher moral ground of self-preservation and they must be pursued. I will no longer shirk ambition and improvement under the false-pretense of eschewing a gender role (ergo excessive masculinity). I will not surrender myself, my being, my thoughts, my future to entrapping ideals that intend for nothing more than perpetuating a cycle and placing myself last.

My ambition is happiness. Solid, tangible and nurtured happiness.

Thought Essay

Transparency

Being my first post, I’ll preface this first by explaining what this will be. Thought Essays are little exercises I give myself to explore a word or an idea. Some are short, someone are quite long. Most of the things I explore pertain to oneself and help in a way to add a little more colour to the self-portrait that adorns my subconscious.

I’m also kicking off with the topic of transparency as I feel that the very subject forms the basis of why this blog even exists. I’ve been writing journals, poems, short stories and observations for approximately 13 years, give or take two. Over the last 6 years I ┬áhave slowly but surely been attempting to write a novel. Currently, I have very little ready to be published. Lacking a completed book, I’ve decided to delve into all other mediums of writing that I participate in but have kept private. I intend for everything here to be honest and true with the goal of 100% transparency at the forefront.

I believe there to be two sides to transparency; internal and external.

Internal transparency is the degree of introspection one exercise and the level of awareness one possesses of their speech, actions and thought. Internal transparency has fewer filters that can distort it and is easiest to achieve as it cannot be warped by the perspective of others. This should also be of the highest priority if you are to regard yourself in any level of esteem. No, not a priority, it is imperative.

External transparency is difficult and carries with it more inherent risk. By being transparent with others you are exposing yourself to completely to the abyss, and we know what’s been said about the abyss don’t we? However, I do believe that being transparent with others is the key to eliminating stress & anxiety whilst nurturing happiness and contentment. The challenge of external transparency is that it inadvertently passes through the filter of social constructs, expectations and can be hijacked by someone needing a platform to express their opinion. I have found that external transparency requires a lot of my attention.

I’ve been fortunate enough in my life to have collected a handful of people who, when I’m around, I can do my best impression of a glass of water. I know I can allow them to stare through my thoughts and beliefs and not have social anxiety attempt to tear my stomach out through my sternum. It’s taught me that it’s OK to let people peer underneath the veneer every once in a while, if anything it’s healthy.

My brain can often feel like a jumbled assortments of competing thoughts, one will be hosting a knife fight for senior citizens and another wants to hold a desert rally for children and their orphaned foster goats whilst the whole thing is back-lit by aggressive neon light. Expressing myself, even the dumbest of thoughts or my most unpopular of opinions, to others halts the chaos in that moment. Transparency is fundamental. It is the very exercise that keeps my singular foot in reality.