Journal Entry

01/05/2017 – Island Musings

How very much we take for granted, should it take a holiday to appreciate a sunset or glance upwards at the stars? I feel it’s the simple things we let slip because we fool ourselves that our selves are too important. When we step outside ourselves we would find more to marvel at. As children we did this subconsciously and over time we train ourselves to forget the little wonders.

As time moves forward and our lives progress there is an element of disconnect with the very stimuli that inspired our growth. It’s sad to think that there is 52 weeks to a year and I only allow myself 4 of them to truly unwind and remember forgotten perspectives. I am a little man in a large world but I only allow myself the time to try to be the most important one.

Imaginarium

Abandoned Prologue

He woke up slowly this day, his vision entrenched in haze, and he was agog. One by one his limbs responded as senses slowly returned to him. Something was missing. He raised his right hand to his face. ‘Crimson’ he thought to himself. His index finger was gone. There were some loosely attached dried, crusty bits flapping as he lowered his hand.

He stood and appraised the place he’d called home until, what was not yet fully realised to him, later that day. The birds did not chirp. The thought’d never struck him but the absence of their song was… eerie. What replaced the music was the crackle of the last dying cinders and the buzzing of flies, busy with their duty to their rung of the food chain. The flies alerted him to the smell. He glanced down to discover he’d spent the night sleeping on his family. Or rather, what remained of them.

If his senses had somehow still be returning to him, with this new information they rushed home. Everything hit him at once and his ruins snapped into sharp lucidity. He dropped to his knees and let out a blood-curdling scream whilst reality sneered at him.

This was an extremely early draft of the initial story I was trying to build. I loved this as a opener. I felt it needed some refinement but I love the tension and mystery it opened with. I worked my story idea around this prologue for close to two years but the story I wanted to tell ended up moving too far away from this point. I might return to this and use it as writing prompt in the future.

Journal Entry

09/05/2016

So, Dad is dying. I’m still not sure how I feel about all of this. I’m at odds with his conduct. He’s actively emotionally manipulating people again. At a time when we should all be standing together he’s making himself the most unlovable person. Against the pity and the greed, his very real battle with cancer is being lost.

To top it off I’ve returned to feeling lonely. Although it’s hard to judge whether it’s the culmination of everything going on around me, my continuing/progressing loneliness or whether it’s just “time enough” that I have another bout with depression. This time feels particularly rough. My heart is akin to lead and I have visions of tearing the wretched thing from my chest.

Perhaps I should seek help; go back down the path of medication? I feel like it is the one thing that inhibits me. I piss so much time and energy into the wind. I’m becoming less creative over time. This is the first time I’ve actively written in months. I keep putting it off, hoping that slow-dripping saline that is my apathy will run its course and I will subsequently feel better.

But I never do.

Poems

Untitled Poem # 1

Fizzle bang pop

No, just no

Please just stop

That’s no good

A bad start

Working rotten wood

Where will this lead

You don’t know

Maybe honey mead

Build a great pyre

Dowse it with fuel

Bring forth the fire

What will burn?
Dinner or lunch?

No, feelings spurned

Purge is the answer

Words make the riddle

Forget the cur

Smoke wafts higher

Fire burns hotter

Thoughts get deeper

Ash is all remains

What it was destroyed

But the jewel stained

Grab a rag

Polish is bright
Give to the Hag

Fizzle bang pop

Back to the start

Find the mop

Better clean up

You’ve made a mess

Time to sup

Lights out now

Time to rest

Dreaming – kill the sow

Thought Essay

Transparency

Being my first post, I’ll preface this first by explaining what this will be. Thought Essays are little exercises I give myself to explore a word or an idea. Some are short, someone are quite long. Most of the things I explore pertain to oneself and help in a way to add a little more colour to the self-portrait that adorns my subconscious.

I’m also kicking off with the topic of transparency as I feel that the very subject forms the basis of why this blog even exists. I’ve been writing journals, poems, short stories and observations for approximately 13 years, give or take two. Over the last 6 years I ┬áhave slowly but surely been attempting to write a novel. Currently, I have very little ready to be published. Lacking a completed book, I’ve decided to delve into all other mediums of writing that I participate in but have kept private. I intend for everything here to be honest and true with the goal of 100% transparency at the forefront.

I believe there to be two sides to transparency; internal and external.

Internal transparency is the degree of introspection one exercise and the level of awareness one possesses of their speech, actions and thought. Internal transparency has fewer filters that can distort it and is easiest to achieve as it cannot be warped by the perspective of others. This should also be of the highest priority if you are to regard yourself in any level of esteem. No, not a priority, it is imperative.

External transparency is difficult and carries with it more inherent risk. By being transparent with others you are exposing yourself to completely to the abyss, and we know what’s been said about the abyss don’t we? However, I do believe that being transparent with others is the key to eliminating stress & anxiety whilst nurturing happiness and contentment. The challenge of external transparency is that it inadvertently passes through the filter of social constructs, expectations and can be hijacked by someone needing a platform to express their opinion. I have found that external transparency requires a lot of my attention.

I’ve been fortunate enough in my life to have collected a handful of people who, when I’m around, I can do my best impression of a glass of water. I know I can allow them to stare through my thoughts and beliefs and not have social anxiety attempt to tear my stomach out through my sternum. It’s taught me that it’s OK to let people peer underneath the veneer every once in a while, if anything it’s healthy.

My brain can often feel like a jumbled assortments of competing thoughts, one will be hosting a knife fight for senior citizens and another wants to hold a desert rally for children and their orphaned foster goats whilst the whole thing is back-lit by aggressive neon light. Expressing myself, even the dumbest of thoughts or my most unpopular of opinions, to others halts the chaos in that moment. Transparency is fundamental. It is the very exercise that keeps my singular foot in reality.